What to expect from counseling, mental health, psychotherapy, and therapy in Tacoma, WA

So you’re looking for a therapist in Tacoma, WA.

You’ve been meaning to get around to finding a therapist for awhile now. You know therapy can help you, but it’s overwhelming to figure out who to work with. And you’re just a little bit nervous about going to therapy. Maybe you’ve never done it before and you don’t know what to expect. Maybe you’re thinking. “I don’t even know what I’m supposed to talk about!”

Or maybe you have tried therapy before, but the experience wasn’t everything that you were hoping for. You and your therapist didn’t connect very well, or the sessions just felt like chatting and rehashing your week over and over… Or maybe it was sort of helpful, but you still feel like you haven’t gotten to the root of your issues the way you wanted.

What to expect from starting therapy in Tacoma, WA.

I’m kate, a licensed therapist in Tacoma, WA, and I’m here to help.

I know finding a therapist can be a daunting and overwhelming process, especially when you aren’t sure what to expect in therapy. Let me break down how therapy works and give you an idea of what to expect in your consultation call, your first therapy session, and in your on-going work with a therapist in Tacoma, WA.  

what to expect in a consultation call with a therapist in Tacoma, WA.

Most therapists offer a free 15-min consultation call in order to have a chance for them to hear more about what you’re looking for in counseling, answer any questions you might have, and together see if you would be a good fit to work together. Here’s how these calls usually work. First, you find some potential options for therapists you might like to work with. I’ve outlined ideas about how to do that here in this blog.

Then you reach out to the therapist either by picking up the phone and giving them a call, or filling out the contact form on their website. The therapist will get back to you and schedule a time to have the consultation call. These are usually free and often last about 15 minutes.

When the therapist calls you, they will often ask you to share a little bit about what you are hoping to work on in therapy. This is a chance to tell them a little about the symptoms you are experiencing, the challenges you are facing, or how you want life to improve. This can be hard to put into words sometimes. Maybe you are overwhelmed and don’t even know where to begin. Maybe talking about how you’re feeling or asking for help is hard, and it’s difficult to put it into words. Or maybe you’re doing your best to hold it all together, and as soon as you’re asked this question, you feel like you’re going to break down into tears. That is totally ok. We understand that this is a loaded question and it’s completely fine to get emotional. We also understand sometimes these things are hard to articulate. Just do your best to give the therapist a little snapshot. You don’t have to go into a lot of detail in this call. Just a few sentences about the challenges you are facing or the ways that you want life to be different is enough to give them an idea of what you want to address.

The therapist may ask you a couple of the following questions about how long you’ve been experiencing symptoms, if you are having thoughts of harming yourself or others, if you’ve tried therapy before, etc. This is just to get a better idea of the kind of help you are looking for and if they are the right person to help you.

Remember that the consultation call is a chance for you to also ask whatever questions you have. You are interviewing them, too! Things you might want to know:

• Have you worked with someone who has had my issue before? Was it a successful outcome?

• Do you have specialized training in working with my issue?

• What type of therapy do you do and how does it work?

• What should I expect in terms of how we work together to improve this issue?

• For people with my issue, about how long should I expect to be in therapy for?

After you and the therapist discuss a little about the issues you want to address, you can both decide if you want to move forward to set up the first session, called the intake session. You want to assess if this person seems like they have the experience and expertise to help you. You also want to get a vibe of their personality. Do you feel comfortable talking to them? Do they sound like someone you can imagine building trust with? The most important factor in successful therapy is the relationship between the therapist and the client. So be choosy! I tell clients it’s sort of like dating. You can expect to have to go on several dates to find a good match. Similarly, I encourage clients to do several consultation calls with different therapists to get a sense of who makes you feel comfortable.

It is normal to schedule a few consultation calls with multiple therapists. Choose the one who makes you feel the most comfortable and who sounds like they have the experience to help you. 

The therapist will also be assessing if it feels like a good fit on their end. What that means is that they want to be sure they have the experience and expertise to help you. Mental health is a broad field, and not every therapist will work with every issue. Many therapists specialize in certain issues or working with certain populations. This way they can focus their training on providing excellent care in a few areas. For instance, some therapists focus on working with disordered eating, while others focus on addiction, or working with couples.

For me, I focus on helping people decrease anxiety and depression, break codependent patterns in relationships, and stop people-pleasing and build self-esteem. I like to use brainspotting therapy as my method because it helps people get long-lasting and rapid results in a deeper way than talk therapy can provide.

So if it feels like a good fit on both ends, then you and the therapist can discuss things like scheduling, the fee for services, insurance, and other practical details. If you are a good match in terms of these details, then you can schedule the first appointment.

What to expect in the first therapy session with a therapist in Tacoma, WA

When you start therapy in Tacoma, WA, the first session is known as the intake session. It’s a chance for the therapist to get to know more of your story and get the big picture of what you are experiencing and what you hope will change as a result of therapy. Beforehand, you may be asked to fill out some forms. These will include the therapist’s policies, an informed consent document, a questionairre about your symptoms and experiences, and possibly some assessments to determine if you meet the criteria for anxiety, depression, or other mental disorders.

When looking for a therapist in Tacoma, finding someone you trust and feel comfortable with is important.

During the session, the therapist will ask questions about what you’ve been experiencing to go into a deeper dive of your symptoms and how they are impacting your functioning in different enviornments. They will ask about different areas of life including your mood, behaviors, health, relationships, work life, social life, and family of origin. They are trying to get to know you as a person and understand your context and different factors that are contributing to your challenges. They are also listening for your support network, your resources, strengths, and resiliencies.

In the intake, you will also cover your goals for therapy. What are your best hopes for how therapy will help improve your life? If this is successful, what will feel different about your mood, your behaviors, your relationships, etc? The more specific you can be in naming what you hope can change, the better you and your therapist can set realistic, tangible goals. These goals are like mile-markers on a road trip. They enable you and the therapist to check-in along the way to see actual progress. If you are not seeing progress, you and your therapist can adjust the course as you go to make the process more effective for you. Or if it isn’t a good fit, you or the therapist could request a referral to get you the right help so you can achieve the progress you’re looking for.

If you’re not sure what tangible change would look like for you—don’t worry! Your therapist can help you articulate these goals. Sometimes all we can think about at first is just getting out of pain, and that’s enough of a goal to start with. When you start feeling better, you may have an easier time thinking of the positive changes you want to see in your life. You and your therapist can always adjust your goals as you go along in therapy.

One of the most important things about the first session is that you feel comfortable with your therapist. Just like in the consultation call, you want to be asking yourself if this is someone you feel like you can trust. Feel free to ask questions you have about the process of therapy, the therapist’s training, or whatever else you’d like to know. At any point, after the intake or at any time in therapy, if you’re not sure this is the right fit, bring it up to your therapist so they can discuss it with you. They may be able to make the changes you need to make you more comfortable and the therapy more beneficial for you. And if not, they are a professional, and will not be offended if you want to change course and try another therapist. This sort of thing happens frequently, so don’t feel bad if that’s what you need to do.

What to expect in your on-going therapy with a therapist in Tacoma, WA

Now that you and your therapist have your goals, the work can begin. Different therapists work in different ways, using different therapies to help their clients achieve their goals. I like to blend a few things together to help clients make progress.

Finding a therapist in Tacoma can help you grow in self-compassion. 

1. An approach of self-compassion. No matter who I work with, this is a theme of working with me. I like to help clients cultivate deeper self-compassion. We can often be our own harshest critics. In whatever work I’m doing, I aim to help clients experience more empathy and kindness towards themselves which greatly helps the healing process.

2. Strengths-based approach. In therapy, it’s important to not just focus on the problems, but also where your strengths are. These strengths are proven resources that we can utilize to help you overcome whatever challenges you are currently facing. I frequently ask my clients what is improving in their life and we take time to celebrate the wins along the way, which increases their confidence in their ability to overcome the current problems and keep making progress.

3. A trauma-informed approach. Trauma doesn’t just impact our emotions—it affects us deeply on a psychological and physical level, too. That’s why it’s often not enough to just talk about things and hope they get better. Trauma is an injury to the brain and nervous system, and it takes an approach that engages the brain and nervous system to help you heal at the deepest level. That’s why I like to use brainspotting to help clients to heal trauma, decrease depression and anxiety, and change negative core beliefs and deeply rooted patterns. Brainspotting is a neuroscience-based approach that’s very effective for a wide variety of issues. Once we have the treatment plan of your goals, this is one of the tools we will use to help you start feeling better fast.

Along the way, you and your therapist should check-in regularly on your progress. If you are not noticing tangible differences after 3-6 sessions, then a course correction in the methods of therapy may be necessary to help you get more out of therapy.

The length of time in therapy depends on your goals. For some people it’s a few weeks, for others it is years. For most, it’s somewhere in between. I let clients know they should start feeling a positive change within 4-6 sessions, and significant progress after 4-6 months of weekly sessions.

In the beginning of therapy I like to ask my clients how they will know they are ready to graduate. Therapy in many cases does not have to be forever! We want to get you feeling better as quickly as we can and help you feel empowered with a new set of tools to navigate challenges. So progress should be part of this process. We will keep checking in until your goals are reached and you are ready to graduate.

so you’re ready to start therapy in Tacoma, WA

I hope this has helped ease some of your fears about starting the process of therapy and finding a therapist in Tacoma, WA.

I offer online therapy in Washington state. My specialties include helping people break out of people-pleasing, start healing their burnout, develop skills to overcome anxiety, and grow in self-compassion and appreciation for the awesome person they are. If you’d like to see if we are good fit to work together, reach out for a free 15-minute phone consultation.

FAQs about counseling, coaching, psychotherapy, and finding therapy in Tacoma, WA

So, you are ready to find a therapist in Tacoma, WA. Or are you?! Do you need a coach, or counselor, or a therapist? Or what about psychotherapy, is that the same or different? Should I be looking for a counselor in Tacoma, or a psychologist or a psychiatrist? What is the difference between all these things and how do I know what is right for me?

FAQs about finding counseling, coaching, or therapy in Tacoma, WA.

Have no fear. I’m a therapist in Tacoma, WA and I’m here to help. Let’s break down the differences between coaching, counseling, therapy, and psychotherapy so you can hurry up and cut through all the confusion and find the right person to help you start feeling better fast.

What is therapy?

When we talk about therapy, we're referring to a range of professional practices designed to help individuals navigate life's challenges and improve their mental well-being. At its core, therapy involves a trained therapist in Tacoma, WA, working with you to explore and address personal issues that may be affecting your quality of life. Whether you're dealing with stress, anxiety, or just need a bit of guidance, therapy offers a safe space to talk things through and find solutions that work for you.

Think of therapy as a supportive partnership. Your therapist in Tacoma, WA, is there to listen without judgment, help you understand your thoughts and feelings better, and guide you toward healthier coping strategies. It’s not just about talking things out, but about actively working together to improve your mental and emotional health. Whether you're interested in traditional talk therapy or specialized approaches like brainspotting, finding the right therapist in Tacoma, WA, can make a significant difference in your journey towards well-being.

What is counseling?

Generally, the terms counseling and therapy are interchangeable. There are no specific differences between the two, and terminology might vary depending on what part of the country you are in. Both therapists in Tacoma, WA and counselors in Tacoma, WA are licensed and trained professionals who generally have a Master’s level education in the field of psychology and counseling.

An exception to this is substance-use disorder professionals, which are counselors who have specific training related to substance-use disorders. They are specially trained in the area of addiction, and may have an associate’s degree and not necessarily a Master’s degree. They are still licensed and highly trained professionals who are held accountable by their state’s Department of Health for professionalism and core competencies.

What about coaching? Should I find a coach or a therapist in Tacoma, WA?

When you’re trying to decide whether to work with a coach or a therapist, it helps to understand what each one brings to the table. Coaches are great for setting goals and boosting motivation—they help you tackle things like career moves or personal projects. They focus on practical steps and strategies, but they don’t have the same level of training or oversight as therapists. This means they’re not regulated the same way and don’t offer the same level of confidentiality. It’s all about getting things done and achieving your personal or professional goals.

On the flip side, a therapist in Tacoma, WA, brings a whole different set of skills to the table. Therapists are trained to deal with mental health issues and emotional challenges, and they work under strict ethical guidelines. For instance, if you’re interested in brainspotting in Tacoma, WA, which is a specialized technique for addressing deep emotional and trauma issues, a licensed therapist is the person to see. They have the expertise to diagnose and treat conditions that coaches aren’t trained to handle. A therapist is often able to play the role of coach, and can help you with goal-setting and tackling motivation issues. But a coach is not a therapist. They do not have the training, licensing, and professional code of ethics to provide therapy.

So, if you’re looking for guidance on personal goals, a coach might be your go-to. But if you’re dealing with more complex emotional or mental health issues, working with a therapist in Tacoma, WA, who offers techniques like brainspotting could make a significant difference. Understanding these differences can help you choose the right professional for your needs and ensure you get the support that’s best suited to your situation.

Wait, what about lmhc, LiCSW, LMFT, Psychologists, etc.? Which one do I need? 

It can feel like alphabet soup when you’re looking at profiles for therapists in Tacoma, WA and seeing all of the licenses after their names. What’s the difference? Should I care? Let’s cover what each one means.

• Coaches may have some training, but they are not licensed through an official regulatory board. They are not held to ethical standards, do not have to complete continuing education requirements, and are not accountable to the Board of Health when it comes to issues of professionalism, ethics, and liabilty.

• In contrast, all trained therapists or counselors, like the ones I list below, are specially trained when it comes to core competencies and ethical care. We are all licensed by the state and required to abide by state laws to ensure clients receive ethical and effective support. We are trained in research-backed methods to help clients improve their mental health without causing additional harm. We have to complete continuing education requirements each year to stay up-to-date in our field. And if clients feel mistreated, they can appeal to the licensing board to investigate any unprofessional behavior on the part of a therapist. None of this is true for coaches.

• LMHC stands for licensed mental health professional. This is most commonly a Master’s trained therapist (they could have a doctorate degree, but that is more rare), and probably one of the most common designations you will see when looking for therapists. They are able to provide therapy to individuals, couples, or families, depending on their interests and the populations they like to work with.

• LMHCA stands for licensed mental health professional associate. They are professionals who have Master’s degrees, but they have not fully completed their training to become fully certified as a therapist yet. They can provide therapy under the supervision of a trained therapist until they complete their requirements to be fully licensed.

• LICSW stands for licensed independent clinical social worker. They are also usually Master’s level trained therapists (they could have a doctoral degree, but that’s more rare). Their training is in social work, as opposed to counseling psychology. The fields are similar and either background is appropriate to provide therapy in Tacoma, WA.

• LICSWA stands for licensed independent clinical social worker associate. They are the same as above, but they are still in training to get their full clinical licenses. They can practice counseling under the supervision of a trained LICSW until they complete all their license requirements.

• LMFT stands for licensed marriage and family therapist. They are also usually a Master’s level trained therapist (though sometimes they could have a doctoral degree, though that’s more rare). Their training emphasizes more of the dynamics of family systems, as opposed to individual psychology, but they are trained to provide therapy for individuals, couples or families.

• LMFTA stands for licensed marriage and family therapist associate. And you guessed it… they are not yet fully licensed and practicing under the supervision of a trained therapist until they complete all their license requirements.

• Psychologists hold doctoral degrees. They may provide therapy, but more often they provide other clinical services such as psychological testing, research, or teaching at the university level.

• Psychiatrists have medical degrees and are trained in diagnosing and prescribing medicine to treat mental health disorders. They rarely provide counseling, but may work in partnership with a therapist in Tacoma, WA.

so which one is right for me?

Now that you know the background, as long as the professional you want to work with is board-certified as either an LMHC, LICSM, or LMFT, the designation is not important. Any of these professionals will have the competency to provide therapy in Tacoma, WA. The most important thing is that you find someone you feel a connection with and feel like you can trust. Studies repeatedly show that the number one factor in effective therapy is not the therapist’s approach or training, but the relationship between the client and the therapist.

Find the right therapist in Tacoma, WA for you

You deserve support from someone who can deeply help you. I recommend that you do some online research and create a short-list of therapists whose webpage speaks to you and the issues you want to address in counseling. Then give them a call and see if they offer a free 15-min phone consult. I recommend you set up a few of these to get a feel for several professionals, and choose the person you feel the most comfortable with. If you’d like more tips about what questions to ask in the 15-min consult, check out my blog on that topic here.

My specialties include brainspotting therapy (a fast and effective way to heal on the brain and body level), anxiety and burnout, and codependency and people-pleasing. My style is warm and non-judgmental and focused on setting goals so you feel like therapy is going somewhere.

If you’d like to see if we’re a good fit to help you with your counseling goals, reach out today to set up your free 15-min consultation to start feeling better soon.

Questions to ask a Therapist in Tacoma, WA

Questions to ask a therapist in Tacoma, WA to find the right fit for you.

We’ve got it pretty good in Tacoma, WA. Great parks, great Rainier views, more great restaurants and coffee places all the time—and we’ve got great therapists in Tacoma, WA, too!

But how do you know if a therapist in Tacoma, WA is really right for you? Sure, they seem nice enough. But what questions do you ask to figure out if this person is the right fit to help you achieve your therapy goals?

Questions to ask a therapist in Tacoma, WA

My name is Kate Hagborg, LMHC and I’m a therapist in Tacoma, WA and I’m here to help!

 I recommend you do some online research and find several therapists in Tacoma, WA whose website really speaks to you and the issues you want to work on in therapy.

Most therapists will offer a free 15-minute phone consultation where you can tell them a little about what your issue is, hear about the work they do, and ask questions.

Finding a therapist is a little like dating—it might take meeting a few to find “the one!” That’s ok. In fact, that’s normal. I recommend setting up multiple free consultations with several therapists in Tacoma, WA to see who you feel most comfortable with. You may even want to set up first appointments with your top 2-3 choices if you really want to explore your options and be sure you feel comfortable with someone whose vibe and expertise match what you are looking for.

When it comes time for your free consultation, have your list of questions ready. Here are a few questions I recommend asking:

What are your areas of specialization as a therapist in Tacoma?

If you are looking for a therapist to help you with people-pleasing, who do you think is a better fit for you—the therapist who says they work with everything, or the therapist who specializes in understanding self-abandonment issues and loves helping people learn to set better boundaries? Definitely the second one, right?

No one can work with everything effectively. Find a therapist who has the skillset and passion for the particular issues you want to address. Ask them about their years of experience working with this particular issue and the kind of results they have seen. They can’t talk about particular cases, of course, but they can speak generally about the results they’ve helped people achieve in therapy.

For instance, I love helping people decrease their emotional overwhelm and anxiety, and learn to understand and process their emotions effectively. I also enjoy helping people stop people-pleasing and find alignment with themselves and others. I use brainspotting therapy as a tool to help people find rapid, deep, and lasting healing at the source of their issue. These are some of my specializations as a therapist in Tacoma, WA.

What are your methods as a therapist in Tacoma?

Ask about their therapeutic methods. The world of therapy methods is like alphabet soup—CBT, EMDR, ACT… You don’t have to understand all the different methods that are out there, or even know the kind that would suit you best. But you do want to understand what methods your therapist has been trained in, and what they think would be useful for your goals. Ask them to explain the methods they use so you can understand how these tools can be applied in your case.

For example, one method I like to use is brainspotting therapy. This is an approach based on neuroscience that helps both the body and the mind get rapid and deeper healing than talk therapy alone. I like to tell people a little bit about how brainspotting therapy could help them in my consultation calls. This helps them understand more of how I work and what to expect in a session with me, and helps us both determine if we are a good fit in working together.

You might also want to ask the therapist how structured they are in their sessions. Some people want a structured therapist who will guide the topics of sessions week-to-week in alignment with the treatment plan you develop with them. These clients do not want to come in and talk about the problem of the week—they want more structure.

Other people prefer to work with a therapist who is more in-the-moment with them. They like having a place they can come to debrief whatever is going on week to week and know their therapist has the flexibility to meet them in whatever feels most alive in the moment.

If you know you prefer one or the other, it’s good to find out how your therapist likes to work so that you can be on the same page about your expectations session to session.

How do you measure progress and success in therapy as a therapist in Tacoma?

Ask about how the therapist tracks and evaluates your progress to ensure you’re on the right path toward your goals. There are a lot better hobbies out there than therapy! You probably want a therapist who can help you assess your progress and who has an eye on getting you to the finish line for your goals. You probably don’t want a therapist who just checks in week after week with no assessment of the big picture.

For me, graduation is a part of the very first session. I ask clients how they know they will be ready to graduate therapy. What will be different in your day-to-day life? How do you want to feel, behave, relate differently? We come up with criteria that are measurable and observable in their daily life so we can see if we are getting closer to those changes along the way. If not, we adjust our methods to make sure that our work is impacting their life in a tangible way.

What are your fees and payment options as a therapist in Tacoma?

And, of course, you want to discuss the practicalities of scheduling and payment. Working with someone who is in-network with your insurance may keep your costs low (depending on your deductible). But being open to working with someone out-of-network will broaden your options and possibly help you find a better fit for a therapist in Tacoma, WA.

An effective therapist who is a great fit may get you results faster and help you save more money in the long run, even if they are out-of-network, as compared with someone who does take your insurance but perhaps isn’t the best fit.

You may be entitled to some reimbursement too for out-of-network therapy sessions, depending on the particulars of your insurance plan. Call the 1-800 number on the back of your insurance card and ask them:

• Do I have any out-of-network benefits for mental health?

• If so, what are they are? How do I submit claims?

• Do I have to meet a deductible first?

Schedule a free 15-min consultation with me, a therapist in Tacoma, WA today.

schedule a free consultation with a therapist in Tacoma, WA today

You deserve support from someone who can deeply help you. Therapy isn’t just for chatting weekly, it is about reaching your goals and getting real support. I hope this helps you find the right therapist in Tacoma, WA who can help you reach your goals.

I specialize in helping people decrease emotional overwhelm, break out of people-pleasing, and connect with their authentically best selves. If you’d like to find out if I’m the therapist in Tacoma, WA who is the right fit for you, call me today for a free 15-minute phone consultation.

Finding a therapist in Tacoma, WA

The secret is getting out about Tacoma. Tacoma, WA keeps making top 5 lists as one of the best cities to live in the United States, such as in this ranking by The TODAY Show in 2023. And I might be biased, but we have some pretty good therapists, life coaches, counselors, and psychologists, too. Even so, the search for the right therapist in Tacoma, WA can be overwhelming. Where do you begin? If you’d like to find a therapist in Tacoma, WA who is a great fit for you, keep reading for my best tips and tricks.

I want to help you find a therapist in Tacoma, WA

Tips on how to find a therapist in Tacoma, WA.

• Start with an online search

  • Do some good ole fashioned Googling!

  • Also, check out the website directories Psychology Today and Therapy Den. On both of these sites, you can filter your search by therapy method, zip code, insurance, and more.

  • When you are reading through websites, make notes about who sounds like they are speaking directly to you. Finding someone who works with your specific issue or population may feel like a better fit than someone who works with “everyone.”

• Ask around to see if anyone in your circle has worked with a therapist they have loved

  • What did they like about that person?

  • What have they learned in their experience of therapy about what approach is right for them?

  • Doctors, pastors, massage therapists, chiropractors, or even hair stylists can be good people to ask for referrals.

• Consider the pros and cons of insurance versus private pay

  • Insurance will be more affordable. Can call the 1-800 number on the back of your card for a list of providers in your area as well.

  • Private pay will give you more selection, and you might be able to find someone who speaks more directly to your issue, or in your style.

  • With private pay, you still might be able to get some reimbursement from your insurance company if you have out-of-network benefits. Call the 1-800 number on the back of your card to find out if your plan offers this.

• Consider in-person versus video sessions (aka telehealth)

  • Some people may feel more comfortable with in-person sessions.

  • Other people don’t mind or even prefer video sessions. Being open to working with a telehealth provider gives you more selection because you can work with anyone in the state. You’ll have more options to find someone with the expertise and approach that would work best for you. Plus, video sessions are convenient and make therapy easy to access from work, home, etc.

• Set up several free consultations

  • Finding a therapist is a little like dating. You’re most likely going to have to meet a few people before you find “the one.”

  • Most therapists offer a free consultation. Set up several and don’t be afraid to ask questions to help you decide if they are the right person for you.

  • If after a few sessions, it feels like it’s not working with your therapist, don’t hesitate to bring this up! Letting them know gives you and your therapist the chance to make some changes to be sure your goals are being met. If that’s still not working, don’t be afraid to let them know it’s not the right fit. They are professionals and they want you to find the best professional to help you. They can even assist with referrals in this case.

schedule A free consultation with a therapist in Tacoma, WA

Schedule your free consultation with a therapist in Tacoma, WA today.

You deserve support from someone who can deeply help you. I hope this helps you find the right therapist in Tacoma, WA who can help you reach your goals. You deserve to get healing and support. 

I’m a therapist in Tacoma, WA and I’m here to help. I enjoy working with women to help them decrease anxiety, stop people-pleasing, and feel more at peace within themselves. I particularly enjoy using a cutting-edge technique called brainspotting to help clients find rapid and lasting results.

Call today for a free 15-min phone consultation to see if we’d be a good fit.

Tips from a Therapist in Tacoma, WA: Connecting Emotions and Needs

Therapist in Tacoma, Wa here to help! Today I want to share a quick tip that can instantly help you experience greater degrees of emotional well-being. Simply put: learn to connect your emotions to your needs. And then feel empowered to get your needs met.

But is it really as easy as it sounds? Let’s dig a little deeper.

Emotions are messages

Emotions are like the lights on the dashboard of your car. The gas light is a feedback signal that lets me know my gas tank is empty. Since I can’t see my gas tank, if it weren’t for my gas light, I’d have no idea how my fuel was doing and I’d end up broken down on the side of the road unexpectedly. Pretty anxiety-provoking and out of control, no?

When we are unaware of emotions, we’re not getting the feedback signals that let us know when we need to pull over, refuel, or meet some internal need. And this does create anxiety for us or makes us feel like life is a little out of control. This can look like fights with our partners when they blow off the chore they said they’d do; burnout at work when the projects pile on; or resentment toward the old high school buddy who asked us to help them move even though can’t they see how busy I am???

Without the emotional feedback signals, often we don’t see a problem coming until it blows up in our face and we react poorly.

So what’s the alternative? Let’s break it down using some helpful tools from Nonviolent Communication.

1. Connect with your physical body to feel the emotional signal

We can learn to really pay attention to our emotions closely, and they will give us invaluable messages about what our internal needs are, so we can avoid the blow-ups.

Step one is to notice the physical feeling of an emotion showing up in our bodies. All emotions have physical signatures—that’s literally why they are called feelings. (This blew my mind when I was in therapy the first time). If I’m paying attention to my body, I’ll feel the hot flicker of frustration on my cheeks with my partner before it builds up into a fight. I’ll feel the chest-tightening of stress when yet another deadline piles onto my plate. Or I’ll notice the sinking pit in my stomach when someone asks me to help them move. All of these physical feelings are clues about the emotion.

2. Label the emotion

Many of us were not raised in homes or schools where people used robust emotional vocabulary. Outside of tired, mad, sad, glad or hungry, we might have a harder time finding the right word for what we are feeling.

That’s where using an emotional inventory comes in handy. Being able to see the emotion word helps us to filter through all the choices and name that feeling. Having a specific word is helpful. Annoyed or rageful are pretty different, no? Specific language means we can better address the need and figure out how to get that need met more effectively.

Nonviolent Communication has a great inventory of emotional words here. I recommend clients to literally print this out and create a habit to check-in with themselves once a day for 5 minutes to notice what their body is feeling and label the emotion to describe it.

3. Connect the emotion to a need

This next step is a game-changer and the missing link for many people. Once you have named the emotion, you are likely to already be feeling just a little better. Because now instead of a mysterious and unknown monster under the bed, you know what you are dealing with. And your brain is going to start problem-solving how to help you feel better right away.

One way to expedite this is to pull out your inventory of universal human needs found at this link. This list has some of the major needs that we all experience. If we have an unmet need, that’s going to feel a little painful. Like a hunger pain, the pain is driving us to identify the need (sustenance) and take action (buy a taco) to feel better (happy belly).

Using the examples above, with my partner, my frustration is coming from an unmet need of being able to depend on them when they say they are going to do something. With my job, my stress might be due to not getting the support I need from my manager or team. With the resentment I feel about being asked to move someone I used to know, I’m alerted to my need to protect my time for myself and my highest priority relationships because my time and energy are finite resources.

4. Finally, when we know the unmet need, we can take action to get that need met

Connecting our body to our emotions and then to our unmet needs shows us exactly where we need to take some action to get that feeling to resolve. When you put gas in the car the gas light goes off, right?

When I communicate to my partner that their flaking on the chores breaks trust, and I ask them be mindful to keep their word, we can have a conversation that can lead to a repair in that situation and help them understand how to build trust with me in our relationship. Then that frustration feeling goes away. If I reach out to my boss and let them know I am feeling overwhelmed and tell them the ways that they and the team can step in and support me, I have given specific action steps to fix this with my team and I have help to carry that burden. Therefore, the stress diminishes. And when I listen to my resentment and realize it’s telling me that I don’t have the time and energy to help this person move, I can set a boundary and say no, and no longer be haunted by the resentment of giving my control away to other people.

Now, of course, it doesn’t always work out so easily. Sometimes people don’t respond well to us making our needs known. Or our needs may compete with their needs and we have to compromise. And sometimes if a need can’t be met we have to make a hard choice about that relationship, or we have to accept the unmet need, like in the case of grief or loss. But even in these situations, we feel more empowered because we know what we feel, we know what we need, and we are being active on our behalf, instead of riding the emotional run-away roller coaster.

So let’s recap…

1. Locate the feeling in your body

2. Give the emotion a name

3. Connect the emotion to a need

4. Take action to get that need met

Sounds simple enough, right? Well…why does it feel so hard sometimes?

what if I still don’t know what I feel?

If you are a person who has a hard time knowing exactly what you are feeling, you’re in good company! I work with many clients who feel this way, and I myself remember feeling this way too when I first started going to therapy. For example, it took me a few weeks of therapy to discover that I was actually really angry about some things in my life—but before my therapist helped me go there, I had no idea!

How can this be that we don’t know what we feel?

• We may have grown up in homes where emotions weren’t talked about. No one modeled for us emotional vocabulary or how to attune to ourselves or others.

• We may have grown up in homes where emotions raged wild and unchecked, and this was scary. So we may have subconciously disconnected from our emotions because the alternative felt unsafe.

• We may have experienced trauma, which caused our nervous system to get stuck in a freeze response. That leaves us feeling disassociated or numbed out. We may not feel safe enough to be connected to our bodies, thus we don’t realize when our physical body is giving us signals about our emotions.

• Or because of trauma, we are more in a fight-or-flight response. In that case, we may feel so anxious and keyed up all the time that we aren’t aware of any other emotions beneath those.

• Or, as a way to deal with trauma, we got stuck in a fawn response. This is where we use people-pleasing and over-attuning to the needs of others to try and keep ourselves safe. If this is us, we may have a hard time differentiating our emotions from those of others around us that we take on.

If you relate to any of these, therapy can help to process the trauma, calm your nervous system, create a safe space, and help you practice the skills to get connected to your body and emotions again.

I’m a therapist in Tacoma WA and I can help

If you’d like to grow in any of these areas, you might want to reach out to a therapist. I can help! I’m a therapist in Tacoma, WA and work with clients for online therapy in Washington state. Feel free to reach out today for a free 15-min phone consultation. Let’s chat and see if we’d be a good fit to help you attune to yourself, know what you’re feeling, and know how to move forward to get your needs met in empowered ways. I look forward to talking with you!

My specialties include: anxiety therapy in Tacoma | Brainspotting therapy in Tacoma | EMDR Therapy in Tacoma |

Cultivating Self-Compassion Through Brainspotting with a Therapist in Tacoma

Are you your own worst critic?

One thing I have noticed amongst my clients is that most of them tend to be their own worst critics. Can you relate?

• Are you haunted by an internal voice or feeling that’s always pushing you to do more, be more, or be better?

• Do you tend to dwell on the one negative piece of feedback even when it’s far outnumbered by positives (positives you can’t even remember, to be honest)?

• Do you motivate yourself toward self-growth by looking at all the ways you fall short?

• Do you fixate on things you don’t like about your appearance instead of being able to lovingly appreciate your body?

• Do you compare yourself to others, on social media or in real life, and always come up short?

If you said yes to any of these, you might struggle with self-compassion. In this blog, I unpack what self-compassion is, why it’s so crucial to good mental health and self-growth, and how a therapy called brainspotting can help you cultivate more self-compassion in your everyday life. If you’re curious to find a brainspottting therapist in Tacoma, WA or brainspotting therapy online in WA state, keep reading.

What is self-compassion?

Brene Brown very simply defines self-compassion as this:

“Talk to yourself as you would to someone you Love.” 

It means treating ourselves with warmth, kindness, empathy, and grace when we mess up. It means being honest with ourselves about our mistakes and shortcomings, but not berating ourselves for these things. Instead, we forgive ourselves and lovingly encourage ourselves to continue on the path of growth.

In practice, it can be helpful to reflect on our self-talk and actions with this question: would I say these things to a friend I love or a beloved child?

If not, then we’re probably tuned into the voice of the inner critic, rather our intuitive sense of self-compassion.

According to psychologist and self-compassion researcher Kristin Neff, self-compassion can even change our body chemistry:

Self-Compassion or soothing our own pain triggers the release of the hormone oxytocin. An increased level of oxytocin is related to increased feelings of trust, calm, safety, generosity, and connectedness. (Neff, 2019).  

Neff goes on to break down self-compassion into three main elements: mindfulness, common humanity, and kindness.

Each of these three elements happens to also be a key part of brainspotting. Let’s look at each to understand how brainspotting therapy can help you cultivate self-compassion.

What is brainspotting therapy and How can it help me cultivate self-compassion?

Brainspotting promotes rapid, permanent, and deep change in the brain through a gentle method.

Brainspotting is a powerful technique that is a combination of neuroscience, somatic therapy, mindfulness, and the healing power of the relationship between you and a caring, attuned therapist.

In a nutshell, brainspotting is staring at a point in your visual field that helps to activate an emotional issue you want to process. The brain uses this eye position to help you activate these neural networks in the brain and body, and it goes to work re-processing them as you practice mindfulness with the help of your therapist.

If you’ve heard of EMDR, brainspotting is similar, but instead of eye movements, we use one or two eye placements to access healing in the deep parts of the brain. It is effective for processing trauma, decreasing anxiety and depression, improving performance, overcoming creative blocks or stuck points, and so much more.

Let’s explore how each of Kristin Neff’s three elements of self-compassion is an integral part of brainspottting.

brainspotting and Mindfulness

One way to think about mindfulness is that we create a little distance between ourselves and difficult feelings. Instead of being overly identified and fused to these things, we step back just a little and observe what is happening in our body, mind, and spirit. This helps us to accept our feelings and not add to our suffering through resisting them.

Brainspotting helps us to practice mindfulness by allowing us to observe what we are feeling, thinking, or sensing, and to allow those feelings. With the help of the brainspot which promotes deeper subcortical processing, and the attunement of a therapist to help us hold that space, brainspotting teaches us mindfulness through doing.

brainspotting and common humanity

Common humanity refers to the universalness of our struggles. Sometimes we can feel alone in our painful emotions. Shame can trick us into believing that we are uniquely flawed and separated from others. But self-compassion brings us back to the truth that all humans are vulnerable, flawed and imperfect. Kristin Neff points out how our suffering connects us to others, rather than separates us.

In brainspotting, attunement between client and therapist is essential and helps clients to practice self-acceptance rather than self-judgment. The level of connection between therapist and client in a brainspotting session is profound, and helps promote a healing experience of being seen, loved, and cared for, as well as not alone.

brainspotting and kindness

Essential to self-compassion is practicing kindness towards one’s self. Instead of beating ourselves up for mistakes or failures, through self-compassion we learn to lovingly forgive and encourage ourselves, as we would a dear friend or beloved child.

In brainspotting, we put kindness toward self into action. The therapist helps the client to practice this self-kindness through non-judgment and curiosity toward whatever feeling, thought, or emotion is coming up. This helps us learn how to find that safe space within ourselves that we need to truly heal. Over time it can transform our relationship with ourselves so that it becomes easier to give ourselves self-compassion rather than spiraling into self-criticism as the default.

How to find a brainspotting therapist in Tacoma, WA or online therapy in WA state

What I love most about brainspotting is that you are literally practicing self-compassion in the moment, rather than just talking about it. It’s like the difference between talking about lifting weights and actually lifting weights. Brainspotting allows us to get in there and do the work in real-time. And because of that, clients experience rapid, real, and lasting change as a result.

Call today for a free consultation with a therapist in Tacoma, WA

I love being a brainspotting therapist in Tacoma, WA and working with clients all over WA state through video sessions. (Brainspotting is very effective over telehealth, by the way, if you were wondering).

If you’d like to try brainspotting for yourself, call today for a free 15-min consultation with me. I’d love to see if we are a good fit and to help you transform your relationship and experience the self-compassion you deserve.

The root causes of perfectionism (and how therapy can help)

Do you struggle with perfectionism?

Perfectionism is a common struggle many of us can relate to. The rigid standards, the fear of failure, the crippling procrastination, the nagging self-doubt, the harsh inner critic… Odds are that you know what I’m talking about.

Where does this come from? What are the root causes of perfectionism? Is there hope for changing our inner critic into an inner sense of self-compassion? How can therapy help with perfectionism?

Where does perfectionism come from?

Perfectionism has complex psychological roots that can vary from person to person. Some of the common psychological factors contributing to the development of perfectionism include:

• Fear of failure

• Low self-esteem

• The need for approval

• Need for control

• Overcritical parenting

• Social/cultural expectations

• Fear of perceived judgment from others

• Maladaptive coping mechanism

• All-or-nothing thinking

Perfectionism is not the same as having high standards. It is ok to have high standards. What distinguishes perfectionism is that almost always, perfectionism is a coping strategy to avoid or mask shame. Shame is the belief that something about us is fundamentally flawed, wrong, or unacceptable. Therefore, we put on the mask of perfectionism and believe,

• “If I can be perfect, then no one will see that I’m bad.”

• “If I can be perfect, no one can criticize or judge me.”

• “If I can be perfect, I can control my world and feel safe.”

• “If I can be perfect, maybe I will finally feel like I’m enough.”

How can therapy help with perfectionism?

Therapy can help in many ways with letting go of perfectionism, healing shame, and embracing self-compassion. Most importantly, therapy is a place where you can be accepted unconditionally. This is why the most important thing in choosing a therapist is finding someone who you can feel comfortable with. Studies continually show that having a good relationship with your therapist is the most important predictor of a successful outcome in therapy—even more important than what kind of therapy method you engage in.

As you experience acceptance, safety, and compassion from your therapist, that can make it easier to show these same qualities to yourself.

Therapy can help you explore how you are using perfectionism to shield yourself from shame. With the help of a therapist, you can engage in healing modalities to go back to these painful memories, traumas, or origin points of negative core beliefs and get healing at the source. As you start healing from trauma, it will be easier to love yourself unconditionally and there will be less of a need for perfectionism.

Therapy can also help with perfectionism by teaching you strategies to manage anxiety and uncertainty. The more comfortable you get with using healthier coping strategies, the less you will engage in perfectionistic strategies to try and control your world. As you improve your skills at managing difficult emotions like fear, anxiety, sadness, and more, you will be better able to reduce procrastination and embrace making mistakes as part of the process.

Ultimately, therapy can help you find a more balanced perspective on success and achievement. It can help you learn how to both strive for high standards, but in a way that promotes self-love, self-acceptance, and self-compassion.

Therapy in tacoma, wa for perfectionism

Are you looking for therapy in Tacoma, WA? Or are you looking for online therapy in WA state? Give me a call today for a free 15-min consultation to see if we’d be a good fit. Let me help you heal from the roots of perfectionism and grow your self-compassion today.

How to prepare for a brainspotting session

so, What is brainspotting?

If you haven’t heard of brainspotting, after this post you’ll be glad you did! Brainspotting is a powerful body-based therapy that uses eye position, mindfulness, and the compassionate attunement of a therapist to help you process trauma and heal at the root level. Brainspotting uses a technique to work with the deep, subcortical parts of your brain where trauma is stored, which goes deeper than just talk therapy. It is fast, effective, and safe. You can read more about it here and here.

How to prepare for a brainspotting session

So you’re going to have your first brainspotting session! You might be nervous and unsure of what to expect. This post will set your mind at ease and walk you through what to expect in a session.

If you are doing an in-person session, your therapist will have everything you’ll need. If you’re doing an online session, there are a few things you can have handy.

• A water bottle (hydration is rule #1, right!?)

• Kleenexes

• Your laptop/desktop. It is possible to do brainspotting on a smaller screen like a cell phone, but a large screen can be easier, so if you have access to your computer for the session, use that.

• Optional—headphones. Some people find that listening to binaural music while doing a session can be calming and help them enter deeper into the processing. You can play this music on a low volume setting so that you can still hear the therapist. You can play the music from a separate device like your phone, or even from your laptop. Your therapist won’t be able to hear it, just you! Here are some free youtube playlists for binaural music:

  • https://www.youtube.com/watch?v=dcXvSR7E8QU

  • https://www.youtube.com/watch?v=mmLpcNGdBx0&t=165s

  • https://www.youtube.com/watch?v=ApFBK297FM0

  The music is just optional though, so if it feels too techy or just doesn't work for you, don’t worry about it.

What to expect in a brainspotting session

So you’ve got your supplies, your laptop, and a private, comfortable location. But what is a session like, you might be wondering?

To begin with, you and your therapist will discuss what issue you want to focus on. It might be a past trauma, a negative core belief, or a behavior you want to change. Or it might be something positive you want to increase in your life, like getting over writer’s block, working out more, feeling more joy, or reconnecting to a part of you from childhood. Brainspotting is very flexible and can be used for all kinds of issues.

Once you identify an issue, your therapist will ask you a few questions to help bring up the emotion for you. They might ask you to notice what emotions you feel and where you feel them in your body related to that issue. And then they will help you find a spot in your visual field where you are the most in touch with that issue. They might use a pointer to help you find it on your screen, or ask questions to help you find it off-screen in your environment.

After that, you are brainspotting! The good news is that you cannot do it wrong. All you have to do is look at that spot and notice whatever thoughts, feelings, emotions, memories, body sensations, etc. that come up connected to the issue you are working on. This is the practice of mindfulness, just observing whatever comes up without judgment and following where it takes you. During this process you can vocalize as much of this as you would like with your therapist, or if you prefer to process more internally that is ok, too.

Your therapist is there attuning to you, and going through the process with you. The attuned presence of another caring, calm individual can help us to go deeper into our process. They are there to witness with you, support you, and they can help too if you get stuck. They can help dial things up if things feel flat, or dial it down if it starts to feel too anxiety-provoking.

At the end of the session, your therapist will check in to compare how you are feeling about the issue as compared to where you began.

How to care for yourself after a brainspotting session

After a session, your brain will keep processing for the next 48-72 hours. You may notice feeling tired. This is normal, your brain is working very hard during processing sessions like these and as a result you may feel fatigued and need more rest. If possible, be gentle with yourself after a session and allow yourself more rest. Hydrate, have a snack, and enjoy some gentle movement like walking, which can be calming after a session. Most people find a sense of relief after a session. For some, the changes can be subtle, so it is good to check in a few days after your session. Do you notice a decrease of symptoms? or an increase of a positive behavior you were wanting to encourage? Noting your level of distress about a topic before and after brainspotting can help you see the progress.

As with any therapy, there are also some risks, such as becoming more aware of difficult or painful feelings associated with whatever was worked on. This is the case with any kind of therapy, and is not unusual. If this happens, talk to your therapist about a plan for self-care and additional support.

Just because this happens with brainspotting once does not mean it will always happen for you, so be open to trying it again if you can and talk with your therapist about a plan to work through whatever is coming up.

Finding a brainspotting therapist near me

If you’d like to find a brainspotting therapist and give it a try, feel free to give me a call for a free 15-min phone consultation to see if we’d be a good fit. I’d love to help you get to the root of things and start healing at the deepest level today.

Therapy spotlight: Brainspotting therapy vs EMDR?

In an earlier blog I discussed brainspotting therapy as a powerful, body-based method that can help to relieve symptoms of trauma, promote well-being, and help with emotional regulation. It is a form of trauma therapy that uses eye movement to identify and process traumatic or emotionally charged memories and experiences.

If you think that sounds similar to EMDR therapy (eye movement desensitization reprocessing), you would be right! Brainspotting was actually developed out of EMDR therapy in 2003 by David Grand, a licensed clinical social worker and psychotherapist. Instead of using only eye movements from left to right, Grand discovered that by holding a single eye position, clients seemed to process at a deeper level.

But what are the differences between EMDR and brainspotting therapy? And how do you know which one is right for you? Let’s get into it!

How does brainspotting therapy work?

During brainspotting therapy, the therapist helps the client to identify a "brainspot," which is a specific point in the client's visual field that corresponds to the area of the brain where the traumatic memory or emotion is stored. The therapist typically does this using a pointer. Focusing on the “brainspot” can help to bring up emotions and memories related to the issues you want to work on. The therapist will invite you to observe the emotions, memories, thoughts, and physical sensations coming up for you as you focus on the “brainspot” and think about your issue. Your therapist will use a variety of techniques to help you process and release the emotions and memories that come up during the session. As you do this, the brain is reprocessing the material connected to your issue in a way that is more integrated and decreases negative symptoms or negative core beliefs. The result is clients often feel more clear, connected to self, and calm.

What kind of topics can I address with brainspotting?

Brainspotting therapy is based on the idea that traumatic memories and emotions are stored in the brain and can be accessed and released through focused attention on specific areas of the brain. It is considered to be an effective treatment for a range of conditions, including PTSD, anxiety, depression, addiction, and chronic pain. It can also be used on issues that are less about trauma and more about expansion of self, such as increasing creativity, be less socially anxious and more outgoing, breaking through writer’s block, decreasing procrastination, overcoming fears around dating, connecting deeper to one’s spirituality, having a more positive relationship with finances… The sky is the limit, really.

What is EMDR therapy?

EMDR therapy is a type of psychotherapy that integrates elements of cognitive-behavioral therapy (CBT), mindfulness, and somatic therapy. It was developed in the late 1980s by psychologist Francine Shapiro, who noticed that eye movements seemed to reduce the intensity of her own negative thoughts and feelings.

EMDR therapy is a type of therapy that can help people who have experienced difficult or traumatic events. EMDR stands for Eye Movement Desensitization and Reprocessing. During EMDR therapy, a trained therapist will guide the person through a series of eye movements, sounds or taps, while they recall the traumatic event.

The goal of EMDR therapy is to help the person process the traumatic memory so that it becomes less distressing and overwhelming. This is done by connecting the memory with more positive or neutral thoughts and feelings.

EMDR therapy can be used for a variety of issues, including PTSD, anxiety, and depression, similar to brainspotting.

How are brainspotting and EMDR different?

Brainspotting and Eye Movement Desensitization and Reprocessing (EMDR) are both therapeutic approaches that can be used to treat trauma and other mental health issues, but they have some important differences.

1. Focus: Brainspotting focuses on identifying and working with "brainspots," which are specific points in the visual field that are connected to traumatic or emotionally charged experiences. EMDR, on the other hand, focuses on bilateral stimulation, which can include eye movements, tapping, or other forms of rhythmic stimulation.

2. Eye Movements: In EMDR, the therapist guides the client through a series of rapid eye movements while they focus on a traumatic memory or negative belief. In brainspotting, the therapist helps the client identify a “brainspot” by having them scan their visual field while focusing on the issue they want to work on.

3. Processing: In EMDR, the therapist helps the client reprocess the traumatic memory or negative belief by guiding them through a structured sequence of phases. In brainspotting, the therapist follows the client's lead and allows them to process the issue in their own way, often through verbal processing or physical sensations.

This final point is probably the biggest difference that clients would notice between the two therapies. EMDR therapy tends to be very regimented and protocol-driven, while brainspotting is more fluid, allowing the client‘s body to direct what is most important to focus on. In brainspotting, the therapist is attuning carefully to the client’s lead in determining where the session goes and what they need for their healing.

As a therapist, this is why I prefer brainspotting to EMDR. Each of us is different, and we are the expert on our own body and experience. By tapping into the client’s innate wisdom and healing process, I believe the client’s body can get us to where we need to go more effectively than me trying to force the session to unfold a certain way.

Brainspotting is also flexible to work with topics that are not trauma-related per say, but have to do with improving one’s quality of life, as mentioned above.

How are brainspotting and EMDR the same?

The theory behind brianspotting and EMDR therapies is that traumatic experiences can become "stuck" in the brain and cause distressing symptoms such as flashbacks, nightmares, anxiety, an over-activated nervous system, or negative core beliefs. Both the bilateral stimulation used in EMDR therapy and the focus on the “brainspot” in brainspotting therapy is thought to activate the brain's natural healing process, allowing the traumatic memory to be processed and integrated into a person's life in a less distressing way. You can think of it like a computer running a software to de-bug a corrupted file so that it can be resaved cleanly.

Experts also believe these therapies work by accessing deeper parts of the brain, such as the limbic system, which is involved in emotional regulation and memory processing. By focusing on the “brainspot” or doing bilateral stimulation, the therapy may help to access and process deep-seated emotions and memories that are related to the trauma.

The therapies may also activate the parasympathetic nervous system, the therapy may help to reduce stress and promote relaxation, which can help the brain to process and integrate the traumatic experience.

How do I know if brainspotting or EMDR is right for me?

It's important to note that both approaches have been shown to be effective in treating trauma and other mental health issues, and the choice comes down to the client’s preference and choice as to which to pursue. I would recommend trying a session of both to have an understanding of the differences and which feels like a better fit for you. There is no one-size-fits-all approach to therapy, and it’s important to explore the best fit for you in terms of the type of therapy and the therapist, taking into account their experience and style. Always honor what you feel you need.

If you’d like to give brainspotting therapy a try and want to see if we’d be a good fit to work together, please reach out for a free 15-min phone consultation to learn more.

How therapy can help you grow in self-compassion

This is the first part in a series about self-compassion. Today we will talk about what is self-compassion, and what are some ways therapy can help me grow in this?

In future blog posts we will explore how Lifespan Integration therapy and Brainspotting therapy can help develop self-compassion in more detail.  

The number one thing that clients come to therapy for

Sometimes people ask me, “What’s the number one issue that your clients come to therapy for?”  If you were to poll my clients, I think some would say anxiety, some depression, and some stress or trauma.  Those are definitely prevalent issues.  But there’s another issue that shows up in almost all of those, even though many clients may have no idea when they start working with me.  And that issue is this: the need to learn to let go of self-judgment and embrace self-compassion. 

To me, learning to practice self-compassion is one of the most important things that I can help my clients learn, and it undergirds everything in the way I practice therapy.  

If you want to make progress in your healing journey, learning self-compassion is a must.  Let’s talk about some ways to do that.

What is self-compassion?

Very simply, self-compassion involves treating yourself with kindness, warmth, and understanding.  It means realizing that making mistakes is part of being human and not a reason to isolate or berate ourselves.  And it means that it’s ok to feel painful emotions, but that doesn’t mean that we have to fuse with them.  

Practicing compassion toward ourselves is very similar to how we would treat a good friend when they are down and out.  If a good friend was hurting and came to us, our hearts would go out to them with kindness and caring.  We would listen to their thoughts and feelings with understanding, patience, and warmth.  We would sit with them in their pain and let them know they aren’t alone.  We would affirm our love for them even when they make mistakes.  We would comfort them and help them figure out where to go from here.

Most of us find it a lot easier to show this kind of kindness to others than ourselves.  When it comes to how we treat ourselves, many of us struggle with a strong inner critic that rears its head if we make a mistake.  When we mess up, often we react out of shame and experience isolation.  Instead of being patient with ourselves, we breathe ourselves for not having it together yet.  

As a result of our inner critic, we can get mired down in guilt, shame, and depressive feelings.  We can isolate and feel unworthy or fearful of being known by others.  We can get anxious and try to protect ourselves with perfectionism.  This brings its own kind of pain and can lead to feelings of overwhelm, burnout, or crippling  procrastination.  

Is any of this sounding familiar.  Yeah, me too!  Self-criticism is an epidemic and most of us know these patterns all too well. 

But there’s good news—therapy can help you learn to practice self-compassion and be kinder to yourself.  Here are a few ways how. 

How can therapy help you develop self-compassion?

1.  The therapeutic relationship

There are practically a million different therapies out there, but the one ingredient that makes any therapy as effective as it can be is a good relationship between you and your therapist.  

Feeling safe, supported, and cared for is of the utmost importance when it comes to your relationship with your therapist.  Ideally, this is another human being who you can share your innermost thoughts, fears, feelings, pains, hopes, disappointments, traumas, and dreams with.  They may know more about you than anyone else in your life.  It’s absolutely crucial that you feel they are always on your side, believing the best about you, and holding space for you with compassion and warmth.  

That doesn’t mean they might not give you some tough love every now then, telling you things that may be hard to hear.  But it should always feel kind, gentle, and supportive, with your best interest at heart.  

As you share your story with your therapist, you should experience someone who is fully present, listening intently, making space for your feelings, and looking back at you with eyes of kindness.  Feeling warmth and compassion from your therapist can help you practice compassion for yourself.  

Shame lies to us and makes us feel like if people knew “the real us” they would cut us off, humiliate us, look down on us.  Your therapist is someone who can know the “real you” and instead show you love and support, and point out your own inherent goodness even when you have a hard time seeing it.  

Feeling known in this way is revolutionary.  It can lift a huge burden off your shoulders, knowing that you are not alone, and that you are loved and accepted WITH your faults and mistakes, not apart from them.  

2.  Therapy is a place to practice curiosity instead of judgment

A key part of learning to practice self-compassion means turning toward our thoughts, feelings, and experiences with curiosity, not judgment.  Sometimes we don’t even realize it, but there are certain thoughts or feelings that we have made an unspoken vow not to feel. We avoid those thoughts, rationalize them away, or bury them deep.  We keep ourselves so busy or so zoned out on social media that we never have to feel them.  

Or other times we may feel them, but as soon as we do, we feel immediate self-hatred or shame for having those thoughts or feelings.  Our inner critic uses this as evidence that we are lazy, lousy, good for nothing, fill-in-the-blank-mean-name-calling-here. 

Instead, your counselor can help you recognize feelings you may have been avoiding,  They can also help you pause before using those feelings as a diving board into more self-judgment. Together, with the help of another compassionate human being in your process with you, you can label those thoughts and feelings and practice noticing them from a place of neutrality.  

In the observing of these painful thoughts, feelings, memories, etc., this is where healing happens.  In getting curious and making space for them, instead of disassociating, this is where healing happens.  A therapist can help you do this in session as you learn to do this on your own.

3.  Therapy is a place to practice the re-parenting process 

Many times when we struggle with our inner critic, perfectionism, or shame, these things can be long-standing issues for us that have roots in our childhoods.  

All of us is all of our ages at once.  We may be an adult with a car payment and a 401k, but we are also still that 10-year-old who got their feelings hurt on the playground or the 15-year-old who felt embarrassed at the school dance.  

Re-parenting is a therapeutic process that involves practicing self-compassion and curiosity and learning to give these things to the younger parts of yourself that never got them.

Through this therapeutic process, we can learn to recognize where our self-judgment is originating from and learn to give love and warmth to those younger parts of ourselves.  

Your therapist can help you step back from painful emotions and notice the patterns and roots of where these things are emerging from in your past.  They can help you see that always those feelings, defense mechanisms, and behaviors are there for a reason.  What you are experiencing makes sense.  They can help you feel the pain, meet the unmet needs of your younger self, and heal at a deeper level in your present-day life. 

Find a therapist to help you grow in self-compassion

If you struggle with shame, perfectionism, or self-judgment, and you are ready to start breaking those cycles, reach out today.  You can learn to practice self-compassion and go on a transformative healing journey—and you don’t have to do it alone.  Therapy can help.  Give me a call today for a free 15-min phone consultation to see if we’d be a good fit.