What to expect from Christian counseling in Tacoma, WA

So, you’re ready to start Christian counseling. You’ve got a shortlist of Christian counselors in Tacoma who you’re planning to call to find a good fit. But if you’ve never done this before, I’m sure you have some questions, and you might be a little nervous, too.

That’s totally normal! And I’m here to help! Here are some things to expect with Christian counseling, including some answers to what it’s like to do online counseling.

• What should I expect in a first appointment?

  • The first appointment is what is called an intake appointment. In this session, the therapist will explain their practice policies, informed consent, the benefits and risks of therapy, what to expect in the process, and address privacy concerns. You’ll be able to ask questions about anything related to the process or the background or working style of your therapist.

  • The rest of the session will be a lot of questions aimed to help your therapist understand what symptoms you are experiencing, when they began, and information about your life past and present that will help them have an understanding of all the factors involved. This will enable them to give you a diagnosis. If you are using insurance, a diagnosis is required. If you are a private pay client, a diagnosis is not necessarily required and will not be given unless it is necessary. (This is one reason some people prefer to use private pay).

• Will it be weird doing sessions online (video telehealth) instead of in-person?

  • Hopefully not! I think more than ever, due to Covid-19, many of us are now much more accustomed to working, having appointments, and living our lives online. Many clients say they are just as engaged with the therapist in online counseling as they are in in-person counseling, and studies say it is equally effective in terms of results.

• What’s different about Christian counseling compared to “regular” counseling?

  • Christian counseling means different things depending on the context. For me, it just means that I am a safe place for clients to incorporate their spirituality into the work we are doing. Our religious upbringing and spiritual beliefs/values have a huge impact on how we see ourselves in the world and may offer valuable resources that can be used to support well-being. With some clients, we incorporate prayer as a way to help them identify and correct harmful misbeliefs that are causing psychological pain, or address points of trauma that they are still healing from. I find that this can be a nice complement to many therapy modalities, so Christian counseling allows us to marry spirituality and psychology together to address the whole person.

• What kind of changes can I expect to see as a result of counseling?

  • Therapy is helpful for so many things, and the changes you’ll see depend on your goals and how much you apply the things you and your therapist talk about in sessions. But many clients report feeling less alone, better able to understand their emotions, more confident in coping with strong emotions, a greater sense of hope about the future, the ability to have more fun, the willingness to be more honest in relationships and set better boundaries, and clarity around setting small and achievable goals to feel better.

• How long will I be in counseling? and how do I know when I’m done?

  • In the first or second session, you and your therapist will set goals for what you want to achieve in therapy. The more specific you make your goals, the more data you will have to know when you have met them. Goals might include wanting to be able to give presentations at work without anxiety, have difficult conversations with family members and set boundaries, or decrease depressive symptoms so you can function better in your daily life. These goals can be changed anytime, and you and your therapist should check-in every few sessions to see how your progress is going and if the therapy methods are helping get your closer to your desired outcomes.

  • The American Psychological Association says that according to research, longer time in therapy is generally correlated with more positive outcomes.

  • Others view therapy less from an illness model (like going to the doctor when you’re sick) and more like a wellness model (like working out with a personal trainer). People with goals more focused on wellness may choose to stay in therapy longer to help maintain their mental health.

• What if I feel like I’m not making progress?

  • If you don’t feel you are progressing the way you would like with your therapist, I would encourage you to talk about it. It’s good to review the treatment plan and see if your work is still on track, and if not, then the two of you can make changes. However, if you’ve tried this, or if you just don’t feel it’s a good match, you absolutely have the right to let them know it’s not working out and to shop around for a new therapist. It’s best to be honest about this. It will not hurt your therapist’s feelings—they are a professional and want you to have the best quality care. They may be able to help make a referral to someone with a different approach that may serve you better.

I hope this helps you find the right therapist in Tacoma, WA. If I can be of any more help, please feel free to call me at 253-365-0403 for a free 15-minute phone consultation. If you are looking for Christian counseling, you can read more about how I might be able to help by clicking the button below.

Questions to ask when looking for Christian counseling in Tacoma, WA

 So, you want to find Christian counseling in Tacoma WA and you’ve done your Googling, you’ve asked your friends, and you’ve got a shortlist of therapists that you might be interested in working with.  How do you know who is the best Christian counselor in Tacoma WA for you? 

I know it can be overwhelming trying to find the right therapist.  I hear that from clients a lot and know it from my own experience, too.  Finding someone who has the values you want, works in the way that you want, and has availability can feel like searching for a unicorn sometimes.  

My hope is that this blog will make it a little easier to narrow down your options and find the perfect fit for you if you are looking for Christian counseling in Tacoma WA. 

Almost all therapists offer a free 15-min phone consult.  Here are some questions I suggest asking to help you find the right fit so you can get the help you are hoping for with Christian counseling. 

Questions to ask to find the right therapist for you in Tacoma WA

•  My biggest suggestion is to call several therapists.  Finding a good therapist is a little like dating.  There are lots of options out there, and you want to feel comfortable with whoever you go with.  So take advantage of the free 15-min consultation and plan to call several.  Keep notes about what you like or don’t like about one. 

• Ask about availability.  If someone has a 6-month waiting list and you need to find someone YESTERDAY then this can narrow down your search right away.  If you must have evening or weekend appointments, and this therapist only works 9-5 on weekdays, it’s good to clarify that up front. 

• If you want Christian counseling, ask about how their faith plays a part in how they do counseling.  There are some differences here.  

  • “Biblical counseling” generally uses the Bible a lot in sessions and these counselors will have more likely been trained as pastors or at a theological school. 

  • “Christian counseling” is a broad term, but generally implies that the therapist has been trained in the field of psychology, which may or may not have been at a Chrisian graduate program.  They will likely have a broader education in a variety of therapy methods.  They will identify as Christian themselves and bring a Christian worldview into the therapeutic work.  However, this can vary widely.  

  • Ask more questions and share what you are looking for.  Do you want someone who will pray with you in session, or just someone who understands your upbringing or challenges you wrestle with?  Have a conversation about what you’re looking for here. 

• The counselor will ask you a little about what you are hoping to accomplish in therapy to know if they have the expertise to help you.  Be prepared to share for 2-5 minutes about your symptoms and your goals of how you want to feel instead.  Ask if the therapist have worked with someone similar to you before and if your concerns are within their scope of practice. 

• If the answer to that is yes, ask what their methods are of working with people, and how long the clients they work with in similar issues tend to stay in therapy.  Some therapists are more problem-focused and do what’s called “brief therapy,” which generally is 6 months or less, and others do more “depth work” that can last longer.  There are benefits to both, and it depends on what your situation and goals are as to which is best for you.  

• If the person feels like a good match, you can ask any questions about fees, insurance, and how you can pay for therapy.  If they are not in-network with your insurance, the therapist can likely give you information on how you may still be able to utilize your insurance to get reimbursed for part of the cost of your sessions. 

• If they are not a good fit, or if they don’t have availability that meets your needs, ask who they could put you in contact with who might be a good fit.  Therapists make referrals all the time and will likely have some names of colleagues that can help speed up your search. They may even know who of their colleagues has immediate openings if you’ve had a hard time finding people with room. 

Give me a call if I can help you find the Christian counselor in Tacoma WA who’s right for you

I hope this helps you find a good fit for Christian counseling in Tacoma WA.  I am happy to offer any assistance if you are having trouble finding the right fit for you.   Feel free to call me at 253-365-0403 for a free 15-min phone consultation.  I’d be happy to hear a little bit about what you’re looking for and if I might be a good fit, or if I can direct you to someone who is.  If you are a woman who is wanting to work on gaining confidence, improving your relationships, and breaking free of anxiety or burnout, you can read more about how I can help here.

How to find Christian counseling in Tacoma, WA

“how do I find christian counseling in tacoma?”

I love our beautiful Tacoma, WA, the City of Destiny. The secret is out about how great it is here, and we’ve had a streak going of the hottest real estate market in the whole country! (Seattle Times article)

Part of loving your city means finding your places—your favorite coffee shop (mine is Alma Mater), your favorite park (mine is Snake Lake), your favorite hairstylist (shout out to Seven Four Seven Salon), and of course, your favorite therapist!

But finding a therapist can be hard. I hear clients say all the time, “how do I find a therapist in my city? where do I begin? How can I find Christian counseling in my city?” They don’t know where to start looking, and a lot of times they call to reach out to different counselors and never get a callback, leaving them feeling stuck. My goal today is to help make this process a little easier so you can find a therapist who is right for you.

I want to help you find a christian counselor in Tacoma, WA.

Here are some tips that I recommend about how to find a therapist who is a great fit for you!

• Think about what you want to work on and what type of therapist would be the right fit for you. Do you prefer someone who is very directive, will give homework, and structured? Or would you like someone more fluid, who is open to letting the session evolve based on your needs that day, and who helps you feel comfortable to process things as they arise in the moment? You might not know the answer—that is OKAY! But based on what you think you want, when you have your free phone consultation with a therapist, ask them how they like to work and what their style is.

• Do you want a faith-based counselor? If so, you may want to seek out a Christian counselor who will be able to relate to your faith journey and make space for that to be part of your sessions. Any good therapist, however, should be able to work within your spiritual beliefs and respect your faith as part of who you are.

• Ask your friends if they’ve worked with anyone they have loved. If they have a rave review, that’s a great sign.

• Ask other professionals you work with for a referral. Your massage therapist, pastor, primary care physician, or even your hairdresser may have a great referral, too. These folks work with a lot of people and also may potentially network with therapists in the area and may have someone great to pass along to you.

• If you call a therapist and they are full, ask them for referrals of anyone they’d recommend. They may know of colleagues who have current openings or someone who has the specialty that would be right for you.

• Take the time to find the right fit! Did you know that studies on the effectiveness of therapy consistently show that the number one factor that makes therapy successful is that the client feels comfortable and trusts the therapist? Finding the right fit has shown to be more important than the type of therapy the person uses. You should be able to feel safe, accepted, and not judged by the therapist you want to work with. You should feel they are competent in their field and can support you in your healing journey in a way that sets you at ease.

• Be prepared to call a few people! Most therapists offer a free 15-minute phone consultation where you can both ask questions and you can get a feel for what this person is like. Ask how they like to work with people, what modalities they tend to use, what kind of results you can expect, and if they have successfully worked with people who had a similar issue as you.

• If you try someone out and they aren’t a great fit, don’t be afraid to try out someone else. This is a professional relationship and the therapist will understand, and also WANT you to find the person you are most comfortable with. Don’t worry about hurting their feelings, this is a great chance to practice advocating for yourself.

Free therapy consultation in Tacoma, WA

I hope this helps you find the right therapist in Tacoma, WA. Don’t give up, the right person is out there and you are worth finding a great fit. If I can be of help, don’t hesitate to reach out and give me a call. I’d love to hear what you’re looking for in a counselor and if I can help you find the right person.

I offer Christian counseling in Tacoma, WA and online in WA state

If you’re looking for a Christian counselor in Tacoma, WA, I work with women to help them reach their goals of being more confident, relationally fulfilled, and spiritually vibrant. Give me a call to schedule a free 15-min phone consult, or send me an email to schedule an appointment.

Ask a therapist: Beat burnout with a personal retreat

In this Ask a Therapist segment, I cover how planning a personal retreat can help you practice deep self-care.

Personal retreats are something that I really enjoy doing. I aim for at least once a year, to try to take a personal, private retreat. A little mini vacation, just me by myself. I did this last weekend actually, and I was chatting about it with some clients and some friends and had multiple people remark, "Oh, I just feel like I really need that in my life." Or, "I've never thought about doing that." So I thought I’d just share some thoughts on it.

Especially now in the midst of Covid stressors, I think a personal retreat is more valuable than ever.. Just with all the stress we're going through, and our world being so small, and many of us working from home even, and not getting many changes in scenery. So a personal retreat is basically just planning a weekend away for the purpose of being refreshed. That you intentionally take it privately and you intentionally structure your time to be re-creative to you.

We typically talk about the word “recreation, “ as what hobbies we do for fun in our free time, but that word means to be “re-created.” And there's something about play, about creativity, about adventure, and about rest that literally does re-create us. So if you're feeling stressed, if you're feeling frazzled, if you're feeling stale... Yeah, I would recommend making time so you can experience being “re-created.”

What I did is just, I found an Airbnb not too far away. There are so many great options around here that you don't even have to drive two hours and you can be in a beautiful place close to nature, a really thoughtful, creative space. So I think knowing yourself, are you a person that you feel more alive and refreshed when you're in nature? Do you really appreciate the aesthetics of a beautifully designed space? What is it that makes you feel alive? And so, yeah, there's a lot of affordable Airbnbs that you can find all of those things.

I know for me, one of the top things I look for is aesthetics of a space. Because that, being in a really beautifully designed space just feeds my sense of creativity and reminds me of the importance of how space influences mood. I think one reason why they talk about cluttered desk, cluttered mind is our physical space really does have a lot to do with how we feel emotionally. And so getting into a space that's bright, natural light, that's clean, that's artistic, that's creative. You can really get an emotional boost, a spiritual boost, creative boost from that. So I find that super helpful, and I just notice that when I'm in spaces like that, I just feel like it's easier to dream. It's easier to think about possibilities. It's easier to be optimistic. So that's something I look for in a personal retreat.

Also being close to nature too, because it’s really peaceful and relaxing on so many levels. There’s research about even walking in the forest for 10 minutes and how it increases serotonin levels and decreases cortisol. Hearing birds, just things that we take for granted, but this stuff literally impacts our physiology. So that's stuff you can consider in a personal retreat, is proximity to nature.

And I think scheduling the time that is for you, what would make you feel at rest? And that can be sleeping in, that can be resting, not having a schedule, maybe watching some movies or something if you want to. But it could also maybe look like maybe not having any screen time, maybe totally unplugging, maybe reading books, or meditating, or journaling, or even creating something that you're working on. Outside of your job, but maybe a creative project, or just getting out and hiking. Using your body, doing yoga, whatever it is. Getting more into your body and less into your head. You want to think about, "How could I structure my time that would bring me rest?"

And then finally, what do you need in your spirituality? What do you need to feel fed, or feel rested spiritually? And incorporating some of that into your time. Maybe some prayer, maybe reading an encouraging book, or listening to music that helps you connect to God, or that you can express your spirituality that way, looking to build that in.

So when we think about just all the parts of ourself, our mind, body, spirit, emotions, looking at crafting a time away that is a little bit something for each part of ourself. I have a friend I was chatting with last week who is a mom, and she was saying she just noticed that her stress level was high. She felt like she was just a little more irritable than normal. She said, "This is not me.,” and she realized she just needed some time away. And she said she came back and felt so much better afterwards.

I know for me, taking time off of work and then just taking that weekend, I think for me, especially, it was just getting to be creative. Just getting to think about other projects or just other things that I'm interested in. And get to exercise that part of my mind, and my spirit, and myself, and take a break from the common scenery that we have every day. It can help just reignite that sense of adventure, that the world is good in spite of all the bad news that we're surrounded with, there's so much hope. There's so much to be optimistic about. We're going to get through this hard time in our history. And I think just sometimes changing the scenery is almost like changing the channel and can really give you a boost.

So consider practicing self-care by taking a personal retreat. Sometimes I think we don't give ourself permission to travel if it's not with friends or some big trip. But there's so much value in traveling even alone, and even going not very far. Even if it's a Airbnb across town, there's a ton of value in that and you're worth it. You're worth putting a little money aside and doing that. You don't have to spend a lot of money, but you're worth investing a little bit of resources to make that happen.

If you try it, reach out to me and tell me how it goes. I would love to hear about it!

Ask a therapist: Understanding triggers

For today’s Ask A Therapist question, I want to share some information about triggers. I think in this season of quarantine, all of us are feeling all the feelings. Right? So many heightened emotions. The emotions we are feeling around Covid and quarantine can really heighten any latent anxieties or triggers from our past.

First, what is a trigger? It’s when an issue in your present is triggering something from your past. In the present moment, you might have a heightened reaction, not necessarily because the present circumstances call for such a reaction, but because you are actually responding to something out of your past, in addition to the present situation. This means that you may have a level 10 reaction to an event that really warrants a level 3 response. Triggers usually catch us off guard a little bit in the moment because we find ourself having a really heightened emotional reaction, and in the moment we might not understand why or have it makes sense.

Basically, this is where being connected to our body, super helpful. Because our body lets us know what's happening for us emotionally. For me, if I'm in a triggered situation (anger is typically an emotion associated with my triggers), I'll notice that I'm feeling really angry, even if the situation might not necessarily warrant anger on the surface. , My body clue me in that I’m being triggered.. My face will get hot, my heart rate will be increased, my breathing will change. As we're tuned into our body, we can be aware if we're having a heightened response. If we are, then it's an opportunity to do what we need to do to apply some emotional first aid in that moment.

I think what can be helpful is, if you're noticing a heightened emotional response, can you take a time out? Can you take a pause? Can you withdraw yourself from that situation for a minute? We know that once the nervous system gets amped up and we are triggered, our brain will be what psychologists refer to as “flooded.” Basically, you have adrenaline, cortisol, stress hormones that are released in your body, and you go into that fight or flight response. That fight or flight response takes over, and then the physiological changes happen in your body. When you’re flooded, the prefrontal cortex, which is the front part of the brain that's in charge of reasoning, decision-making, logic, it literally goes offline. It takes at least 20 minutes to get the prefrontal cortex back online by doing calming things to calm the nervous system down, like deep breathing.

So by removing yourself from the situation, taking a break, and cooling off, you can give your brain the 20+ minutes it needs to return to baseline after being flooded. Literally, taking a pause is important, because in the moment when we're triggered, we're living out of our emotional brain, and so we're not going to be able to make fully logical decisions. Because, literally, the part of our brain that does that is not online at that moment. If you can take a time out, breathe, pause, go for a walk.

If this is happening as an argument with a significant other or a friend, whatever, communicating that you need a break, not because you're checking out or shutting down emotionally, but because you want to actually find a resolution, you want to work this out with that person, but it would be counterproductive to continue doing it when you're in a triggered state. You can communicate that to them, and if it's your partner or a roommate or something, these are good conversations to have in advance of a triggered moment., We can develop in advance a protocol of how we want to respond when we're feeling triggered, basically, so that you guys can work through things in a productive way.

So pause, breathe, help get yourself back online, and then respond to yourself with empathy. This is a big one, is sometimes we can shame ourselves out of our emotional responses. We can feel we're overreacting. We can think that we are unreasonable. We can judge ourselves and just be like, "This shouldn't be a big deal. I should just get over it." Anytime we're using the word “should” in our self talk, that's an indication that we're probably judging ourself. Right? We're probably shaming ourself a little bit.

Instead of shaming, it's more helpful to respond with self compassion and empathy. Allow yourself to have that feeling. Allow yourself to explore it. It's okay. Whatever you're feeling is totally okay. There's a reason for it. Respond to yourself with empathy and explore what those feelings are. In fact, this trigger is helpful, because it’s letting you know there’s pain from the past that still needs your healing and attention to be resolved.

So in the moment, connect to what you feel in your body, and then put an emotion word to it. What is this pressure in my chest? If this could speak, if it could say, "I feel _____," what would it say? Try to name those emotions. Labeling emotions is such a small but massively helpful thing that you can do to really start to get resolution and work through something.

If we don't know what we're feeling, then we're probably going to just feel really overwhelmed. I know I've posted about this a number of times, I just find it such a helpful concept. But, feelings are external indicators of internal needs. Just like the light on the dashboard of your car, the check engine light says, "Oh, something internally that I can't see needs my attention on the inside of vehicle," our emotions, let us know what our internal needs are that we need to respond to.

By naming the emotion, that gives us a clue where we can start figuring out what need is this letting me know? The painful, difficult emotions are letting us know about our needs internally that are unmet, and that causes pain for us. They're meant to help us get that need met and effectively, and when the need is effectively met, then the emotion will easily resolve. But, we have to use self awareness to get the message of those emotions. Otherwise, we're just stuck in that emotional state, or maybe when the feeling dissipates, , but it's still there waiting to come up next time we get triggered.

Pausing, breathing, checking in with yourself, having empathy, exploring your emotions, being your own safe place, not judging yourself, but letting yourself feel whatever you feel is okay, naming that emotion, and then connecting it to that need. As you learn to explore and figure out, because it's not always easy to know what our emotions are signaling about our needs. But that's where I think it's beneficial to sit and take some time to explore that. Journaling, talking it out with a friend, having a therapist. I'm a big fan of using some inventories that lists emotions and needs, where you can literally sit down, name emotions, and connect them to what your needs are. Those are some helpful things that you can do in the moment.

Then, you can come back and re-enter that situation, whether it was a conflict that you were triggered from, or whatever was happening, and you'll have a lot more insight and be able to have a different outcome, because you have a lot more information about what you were responding to.

I hope that's helpful! Let me know if you use any of these strategies and how it goes!

Ask a therapist: How to avoid the motivation trap

For today’s Ask a Therapist question,I just want to share a helpful tip when you're thinking about goal setting or new year’s resolutions. This comes from cognitive behavioral therapy, but it's the idea of the role of motivation when we're trying to create new habits, set new goals and things like that. And you might be familiar with this, but I found it to be really helpful when I started to understand the way that this works. So there's something that researchers call the “motivation trap,” which is the idea that in order to do something new, like create a habit, start working out, start developing a daily writing routine, start eating out less, being healthy, whatever you might be interested in, that we commonly start off the new year with a ton of motivation and we feel excited about it.

But then obviously we hit a point where the motivation lags, and then it's harder to actually follow through on whatever that goal was that we set. And so we typically will put it off and wait until we feel like doing it. And we let the feeling of “not feeling like it,” get in the way of us accomplishing that action. And so there's something researchers call the “motivation trap”, which wrongly assumes that I should feel motivated before I take on a new behavior. And so what research has actually found, is that the feeling of being motivated to do something or being excited about it, typically does not come before we undertake an action, it comes in the middle of the action. So instead of waiting to feel like working out before I do it, the feeling of motivation will come, the research says, more likely halfway through the workout.

So it's a fallacy of thinking to wait to feel motivated to do something before you do it. And so if you want to change your relationship to motivation, instead of waiting to feel motivated to start something, to create a new behavior, you can choose to do it based on what you value, not your feelings.. So that is taking action in accordance with whatever your values are.

So if you say, "I really do have a value of being healthy, I haven't been living up to that value, but I want to." Then I'm going to take action based on what my values are, regardless of how I feel about it. And so hopefully once I get into whatever that action is, the motivation will come partway through you doing the thing. And it's a reward that helps you keep on going to follow through whatever that that goal is.

But it will typically trip us up, if we wait to feel motivated before we try to enact some new behavior. So I'm not an expert at this, this is something I'm working on and growing on, but this is in my mind as I'm thinking about my goals for 2020. And so how can I set myself up for success to make choices and do actions, regardless of if I feel like doing it or not? And hopefully get that extra boost of experiencing motivation after I've already made the choice in line with my values to undertake a new behavior.

So I hope that's helpful. Don't fall into the motivation trap, the myth of being motivated before you start something new. Instead choose to take action based on whatever your values are.

Ask a therapist: To lower anxiety, avoid this at all costs!

Hi, this is Kate with Destiny City Counseling, and just coming to you today with another “Ask a Therapist” question. And today, I just want to address the very common question that I get all the time in therapy, which is people just wanting to know “what can I do to reduce my anxiety?” And so I just wanted to give you a tip on how to lower anxiety. And so this is the number one thing to avoid if you want to lower your anxiety, so that all costs, whatever you do to lower your anxiety: avoid AVOIDING! Avoid “avoidance!”

So avoidance is the fuel for anxiety. Basically, if there's something you're afraid of doing, it's human nature. We don't necessarily want to face that fear. It's not comfortable. And so we'll do whatever we can oftentimes to avoid it. But what we don't realize is that by avoiding something, we are actually empowering that anxiety to grow and to become more powerful in our lives.

And so to give an example, one that I deal with is I don't like going to the dentist. So if I avoid and put off making that appointment for my cleaning, then there's that pressure of, “I know I should make this call. I know I should do it.” But then, I don't want to and I feel fearful, and so if I let myself off the hook and I give myself permission and I say, “well, I'll put it off a couple more weeks, what will that matter?” Immediately, the brain gets a reward. It gets a little hit; the fear of having to face that thing is removed. And so the brain is like, “oh, I feel so much better!” And so what we've just done there is we've reinforced the learning in the brain that says, one, I can't handle that fear and two, avoidance feels good.

And so the brain learns that avoidance feels good and it strengthens that avoidance pathway in the brain. And while that feels good in the short-term, in the long-term, what that does is it actually increases our anxiety because the next time we have to be in that situation where, say now it's two weeks later, and I need to make that call to the dentist, the resistance that I feel to making that call is even more so at this point. The anxiety I feel about doing that thing has been strengthened because I've been actually further entrenching and rewarding that avoidance cycle in my brain. This is how learning gets wired into the brain. The brain gets a hit, a reward anytime we avoid something. And the more you strengthen, they say neurons that fire together, wire together. So when I fire brain cells of avoidance, I'm also lighting up my reward circuits in the brain. And so those two things become very connected.

So in order to break the pattern of avoidance, we have to actually face the thing that we're afraid of. And what we're doing there is we're facing that fear and we are trying to wire our brain with qualities of resilience, of being able to be in uncomfortable situations and to handle it. And that's the neural connections that we want to strengthen. So unfortunately, with anxiety there's no easy way out. Anytime we're dealing with anxiety, almost always the treatment plan is going to have to involve facing that thing that we're afraid of. That's the sucky news about it. But basically, by avoiding avoidance, we will disempower anxiety and start to deconstruct it so it doesn't have a hold on us.

And when we put yourself in an anxious situation, you're putting yourself in a new situation to basically learn that, “oh, you know what? This isn't as bad as I thought. I actually can handle this. I'm actually more resilient than I imagined that I was. I have the ability to handle uncomfortable situations.” And then, more learning occurs in the brain and your brain learns you don’t have to be afraid of thing because you are up to the challenge.

So this is how anxiety is deconstructed over time. So, yeah, there you have it. Avoid avoidance. So next time there's something that you're feeling anxious about, when you feel that temptation to avoid, try to remember that by avoiding, you're feeding a protein shake to that anxiety. You're pumping it up. And instead, you want to let that thing wither and you want to feed your resilience and your ability to tackle that thing. So just do it.

One of my favorite productivity hacks is you guys might've heard a quote by Mark Twain to the effect that if you know on your to do list that day you're going to have to eat a living bullfrog, you're not going to be able to think of anything else until you do it. It's so uncomfortable a task. You might as well get it out of the way first because you're just going to be living in dread oven until you do. So with anxiety, it's kind of that idea of eat the frog, just go for it and get it out of the way, and start strengthening those resilience circuits.

So, I hope that's helpful. Feel free to leave any questions in the comments or message me, and would love to share any helpful tips that I can. And I hope you guys have a great week.

Ask a Therapist: You are not the problem

This is Kate with Destiny City Counseling. And just coming to you for my first “Ask a Therapist” video. So the first question that I wanted to address is just a really common one that I get in counseling all the time. And that's just people coming in wanting to know what can I do to break out of the cycle of anxiety or depression. And so today I just wanted to share one of my favorite mindset shifts that I think can help with not only those issues, but a lot of other things that plague us in mental health and emotional health and stuff like that. And that is just the understanding that you are not the problem, the problem is the problem.

So I think what can often happen when we're dealing with anxiety or depression, especially for a long period of time, is that we can begin to feel like we identify with that thing. "I am depressed, I'm a depressed person, I'm a negative person, I'm an anxious person." And we take on that thing as our identity. And the problem with this kind of thinking is that it fuses us to the problem and it invites shame in and basically we start to see ourselves as the problem. And when you do that, you have boxed yourself out of a lot of the solutions. Because if I'm the problem, then it follows to think that I can only change a certain degree. “Well, I'm just a depressed person. Well, it's just who I am. So I'm always going to struggle with depression. Well, I'm just really anxious. I've always been that way. It's just my personality type.” So you see how that thinking locks you in to whatever the problem is. And you feel a sense of shame about who you are because on an identity level you've agreed with whatever that thing is that you'd like to change.

So alternatively, the way that we can think about it is, I am not the problem, the problem is the problem. Meaning, “I am not a depressed person. I'm a person that struggles with depression. I am not a negative person. I'm a person that has become accustomed to negative mindsets, but I can change that. I am not an anxious person, I'm a person that struggles with anxiety and I'm learning how to overcome it.” So just by changing, it might seem like semantics, changing the language, but language is really powerful. The words that we use in the way... What we think internally, our thoughts, really has an effect on how we see ourself and if we're tapped into a sense of hope. Basically when you're working on changing something, you want to become best friends with hope, and you want to become best friends with empowerment, and you want to tap into mindsets where you believe you can change.

What’s so great, is that in the field of psychology, we’re learing so much about “neuroplasticity,” meaning “neuro”= brain, and “plastic” = moldable, changeable. Psychology just continues to come with more and more research about how we can change the brain, we can change our thoughts. So there's always hope. There's always the ability to change. You are not the problem, the problem is the problem.

You can point your efforts towards what in this equation can I change? What do I have control over? I'm not fusing with whatever that negative thing is. Seeing it as this external thing that you're fighting and you're working to change, but not identifying with it as a sense of self or sense of identity.

Who you are is good and wonderful, and you're learning just to make those changes so that you're not dealing with what you've had to deal with before. So I hope that helps guys. Let me know what other questions you'd like in the comments. Love to answer some in the future.

Hello! Nice to meet you!

Hello, my name is Kate Hagborg and I'm a counselor with Destiny City Counseling in Tacoma, Washington. I'm a licensed professional counselor and I work with women who are ready to get unstuck and start loving their life. I have a passion in working with women to help address dysfunctional patterns that people have just can't quite seem to break free of and they're looking to get more insight, looking for a breakthrough, looking to heal from whatever trauma from the past that might be keeping them stuck in a place that they don't want to be anymore. I help women take things to the next level in their relationships, in their self esteem, in their career, in their spirituality, and in their creativity.

As you can see in the video, I'm wearing my Tacoma sweater today, my all-time favorite sweater. I practically live in it. I absolutely love Tacoma and the name Destiny City Counseling is named after the nickname for Tacoma, and I just love that the Tacoma is known as the “City of Destiny.” And I wanted to take the idea of that into my practice because it's my absolute passion. I love helping women identify what's been keeping them stuck in the past, in the dysfunction, and the hurt and the pain; get healing at the source of that. But then, to help them look forward and ask “what does the next chapter of my story look like? What is my destiny? What does hope look like for me and all of these other areas?” So I love doing that work of both the healing side of things, but then also looking ahead and helping people find their destiny, what they're born for, why they're alive on this planet. Nothing gives me more joy than to walk alongside that journey with people.

And I think for me, this work is just an extension of a lot of the healing and breakthrough and transformation that I feel fortunate to have experienced in my life through a variety of kind of modes of healing. Counseling is one way of healing that has brought profound change in my life, and gave me a new hope and a new lease on life basically. And so it's my joy to get to walk along other people and help be a part of that change process for them too.

So I'm going to start doing some weekly video session like this called “Ask a Therapist.” So I want to know, do you have any questions that you would like to ask a therapist? It could be about relationships, anxiety, depression, codependency, spiritual burnout; basically, any emotional, relational health, psychological health. And I'd love to try to address some of that and maybe give you some resources or some things to think about. So feel free to post in the comments or send me a message on Facebook or on Instagram of any questions that you want me to address and I'd be happy to share on those things.

Depression as a message that your spiritual life needs an upgrade

This is our final blog in the series "What is your depression trying to tell you?” and today we look at the ramifications that our spiritual beliefs have on our everyday emotions, behaviors, and relationships. Spirituality will probably not be part of the equation for what is causing every person’s depression symptoms, but for some it may be a contributing factor. It was in my case.

Spiritual author AW Tozer said, “What comes into your mind when you think about God [insert: the Universe, Your Higher Power, etc] is the most important thing about you.”

For me, I realized in my twenties that what came into my mind when I thought about God was a picture of a disappointed boss. I had the feeling of being graded harshly, like someone getting a performance review, and like I just wasn’t measuring up. I could never do enough. After all, I thought, if God is perfect, how could I ever please him? I felt like I was on a never-ending treadmill of perfectionism and performance—and not just in my spiritual life, but this mindset had bled over into my work, my relationships, and the way I saw myself.

This led to a feeling of defeat and futility in my everyday life. I felt like a disappointment to God and a disappointment to myself and others. For me, this was a major source of my depression. My spirituality was in desperate need for an upgrade.

The way we see the Universe and relate to our Higher Power is massively connected to how we feel about ourselves, how we perceive others see us, how we decide how to spend our time, what career we go into, etc. If we believe that God is harsh, we will feel the constant weight of divine disapproval. We can develop a lens that God is like this if we grow up with harsh parents, comes from a religious system that emphasizes performance or earning God’s love through religious transactions, or many other reasons.

If we believe that God doesn’t care about us, or there is no Higher Power or source of Divine Love in the Universe to help us, protect us, or guide us, we may experience fear, anxiety, or the feeling that we have to fend for ourselves. Internally there may be a pressure because we truly believe we are totally on our own, having to be the one to make sure that everything works out, never able to take a break, having to always be on guard. Perhaps we came to see God like this because maybe we really were on our own in our childhood, had absent parents (emotionally or literally), or developed a worldview where God either doesn’t exist, or even worse—just isn’t that interested in us.

Many people have the belief that God is angry at them. They think they are bad, dirty, sinful, or just plain wrong at the core of their being somehow. If we believe that deep down we are bad and God despises us for being who we are, this can absolutely lead to feelings of depression. Where do we get this message? Perhaps as children we were abused or hurt by those who should have protected and nurtured us. Perhaps we come from a religious system that spewed messages of hate instead of Unconditional Love. Perhaps there was an unhealthy emphasis on sin to the neglect of the truth that in fact we are all children of God, worthy of love and infinitely valuable.

For me, counseling helped me to uncover the filter I had developed that warped how I saw God and in turn how that was contributing to my depression. With my counselor, we sorted out what I believed about God and myself deep down, where these beliefs had come from, and we examined them to see what the fruit of those beliefs was. From that vantage point, I was able to see areas I had been confused and where things got distorted I was then able to start shedding those things and embracing Truth and Love. And man, did that feel good!!

My feelings of depression, as painful as they were at the time, were giving me a much needed message that I had outgrown my old view of God and it was time for an upgrade. It was time to break up with old lies about God that kept me feeling small, exhausted, and never good enough. Through this healing process I got to trade all that in for an upgrade in knowing God as the source of Unconditional Love. Everything in my life got so much easier to handle when I realized that my Higher Power is actually full of kindness, is easy to please, is extremely encouraging towards me, and is near to me to bring help and comfort 24/7. I came into awareness that there is so much Hope available in the Universe and there’s something bigger than me out there taking me lovingly by the hand and walking me into healing and freedom.

It is my deep conviction that every single person is made in the image of Divine Love. We are all children of God. We are all insanely, crazily, off the charts loved and valued by a good God. We are not alone in a cold Universe.—we are being helped. Hope is real. Goodness is real. Love is out there helping you. Guiding you. Providing for you. Working things out for good for you. And you don’t have to earn it. And it’s not about religion or “being good.” This is for everyone.

To me, this is absolutely foundational in my work with clients even if we never directly address spirituality, and in many cases we don’t. But my core belief for every person i work with is that Unconditional Love is real and active in this person’s life, and helping each of us find healing, freedom, peace and joy. And so I have full permission to hope for all the goodness and breakthrough and healing in the world with every person i work with, and my goal is help them realize that they have this permission to hope for these things too.

If you’d like to upgrade your spirituality, to explore how this may be a part of what you are experiencing emotionally, in your relationships, in your job, or your self-image, give me a call. I’d love to work together and see if counseling can help you connect Love and Peace in a deeper way.